Through the Fever

The End:

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 17:30:36 -0500

As of now I no longer intend to post to this blog. I have said a great deal about desire and intimacy. I think I’ve said enough. This has been a project of self-expression for me, even more so than I originally envisioned, but now I’ve done it.

I do not plan to delete this account, and you are still very welcome to write me here or to send me an email. I’ll be glad for it. It is possible that at some later date I will change my mind and return to this blog. But that will be because I am in a different place in my life and want something different from this space.

Though some of you have assumed otherwise, “Through the Fever” has never been a popular blog. I am grateful to everyone who has chosen to connect with me, whether by enjoying the photographs of me, engaging with my commentary, or speaking with me directly. It’s mattered to me.

Thank you for spending time with me.

I saw the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind around the...

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 14:30:00 -0500

I saw the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind around the time it was released in 2004. Eight years later it appears to be a film with considerable staying power. In my online travels, especially here on Tumblr, I regularly come across references to its dialogue and imagery. And so gradually, by way of osmosis, I became motivated to revisit this film, which I myself only vaguely remembered.

As those of you who have seen it know, Eternal Sunshine tells the tale of two ex-lovers, Joel and Clementine, who separately undergo an experimental procedure to have the memory of their failed relationship erased from their minds. So when I sat down recently to watch it again I expected to see a story strongly about love. But Eternal Sunshine, I found, is not that. It is a bizarre and fantastical thriller in which, after a change of heart, Joel’s consciousness races against the technical workings of the procedure across the landscape of his mind, in order to save his memories of Clementine from deletion.

In this, Eternal Sunshine is concerned less with love and more with the loss of memory, as a metaphor for uncertainty in life and the inevitability of death. All our memories will be erased sooner or later, after all. I have long been drawn to stories that revolve around themes of memory and nostalgia and the passage of time. Like Eternal Sunshine, these are stories that approach perhaps the most astonishing aspect of life: Everything changes and everything ends, which is a reality that exists precisely at the convergence of mind-numbingly beautiful and heartbreakingly sad.

In Eternal Sunshine, love does not conquer all. The future is not forever unfolding brightly in front of you. The ground is shifting, disappearing, and sometimes reappearing in strange and wonderful ways. In the end, Joel and Clementine are left with no memory of their relationship but find themselves in possession of all the documentation related to their respective procedures. Thus they know already all the ways in which a relationship between them will fall apart. They know that it surely cannot last, but still they are drawn to each other. Presented with this, Joel responds, So what? Why must it last? Let’s enjoy it while we have it.

Photo

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 20:22:23 -0500

When I lay my body over a woman’s, it’s not the most...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 20:21:34 -0500

When I lay my body over a woman’s, it’s not the most pleasurable position for me because the penetration is shallower, but I like to do it anyway because the angle of penetration causes my cock to slide along her clit and the length of her pussy with each stroke. And so the reaction from her is immediate, and that’s fun. I like to place my legs on the outside of hers to keep us steady at that angle.

Photo

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 19:45:50 -0500

Among blogs that frequently or primarily deal in sexual content,...

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 13:45:30 -0500

Among blogs that frequently or primarily deal in sexual content, I’ve often noticed the curious inclusion of photographs of books. Perhaps you’ve noticed it too. Sometimes these photographs depict sexualized persons interacting with books — reaching for them, holding them, lying beside them. And sometimes these are photographs of books alone — shelves, libraries, piles — as sexual objects themselves. I’ve largely assumed that this phenomenon was the result of genuine enthusiasm for the thing and also a dollop of insecurity. In posting photographs of books, sex bloggers suggest that their interests extend beyond mindless fucking, that they are made of deeper and more serious stuff.

But it occurred to me recently that it is perhaps something else too. Though eventually we forget their contents, struggle to remember even their titles, for regular readers each book is for a time an accessory to our relationships, a companion to our intimacies. It is in her hands. It is on her person when we travel. It is on the nightstand when we talk and when we touch. It is on her mind. This is how I find her, in this time with this book. And so perhaps books are imbued with a little of the romance.

Photo

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 13:46:15 -0500

I am drawn to both their expressions in this photograph. But...

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 13:46:00 -0500

I am drawn to both their expressions in this photograph. But when I thought to reblog this, it occurred to me that I have almost never posted photographs of two women together on this blog. I wondered why that is. I like looking at women. And I like looking at two women. No surprise.

But I suppose I do not like the latter all that much. With “Through the Fever,” I try to share pieces of my consciousness, to the best of my ability, and so I believe I tend to choose photographs in which I am, in my mind, a participant in some sense. I’m also, I think, sensitive about co-opting imagery and content that are not meant to include me.

boudoirboudoir: “Body.” By Shanti Flagg. Pentax K-1000 with...

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 13:01:58 -0500

boudoirboudoir:

“Body.” By Shanti Flagg. Pentax K-1000 with Kodak Portra 400 film. Taken using a cable release. 2011.

When my orgasm is powerful, I cannot help bucking my hips. It...

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 13:04:05 -0500

When my orgasm is powerful, I cannot help bucking my hips. It does not matter if I am alone or if I am only in her hand. My body does not know, and it is determined to drive into her, to release deep inside her.

I wonder if women experience their own version of this.

Photo

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 13:02:42 -0500

Sometimes I’m too aggressive with a clit. Partly this is...

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 13:02:03 -0500

Sometimes I’m too aggressive with a clit. Partly this is because it does not belong to me, and so to feel it I must apply pressure. The other part of it, truthfully, is that on occasion I am in more of a rush than I should be.

It seems to me that nearly everyone on Tumblr claims to enjoy giving more than they enjoy receiving. Well, here’s a shocking confession: I like having my cock played with a little more than I like giving. Fortunately I do not have to pick one or the other. I greatly enjoy both. But like everyone, I have moments of selfishness and laziness.

Photo

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 13:02:46 -0500

Sometimes you wear nothing at all. Sometimes you wear very...

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 13:02:09 -0500

Sometimes you wear nothing at all. Sometimes you wear very little. And sometimes, as you reach and recline, what you wear falls loose or comes undone. You leave it that way, because why not? Only I am there to see you like this, partly undone, at ease. I do not think I ever feel a greater affection for your body than I do then.

Even though I know it sometimes hurts her, still I bury myself...

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 20:39:29 -0500

Even though I know it sometimes hurts her, still I bury myself fully inside her. Not always, not constantly — but occasionally. And if I’m being honest with myself, the hurt is part of it. I like to hear the whimper, see the subtle wince on her face. It is, I suppose, one more way that I know my presence is felt, completely.

Photo

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 13:02:51 -0500

That these stockings are torn only to reveal her pussy and ass...

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 13:02:19 -0500

That these stockings are torn only to reveal her pussy and ass is exciting to me. I like the idea of clothing that reveals only one’s genitals.

In the time that I’ve been authoring this blog it’s become clear to me that most, if not all, of my sexual curiosities, primarily where fantasy and the sexually outré are concerned, gravitate to the point at which exhibitionism, voyeurism, and objectification dovetail. I am often interested in scenarios that emphasize the body at the expense of identity, where people are observed and admired.

This is not central to my sexuality. More often, as you can see on this blog, I am deeply interested in precisely the opposite: emotional and physical intimacy between partners. But I have become better aware of the pattern.

tastingofflora: My winter skin is back again.

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 23:09:08 -0500

tastingofflora:

My winter skin is back again.

Sometimes I see an unworn dress lying rumpled on the floor or...

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 23:08:41 -0500

Sometimes I see an unworn dress lying rumpled on the floor or perhaps a dresser. It looks drab and flimsy, powerless. I can hardly believe that it once was or will again be an object of admiration. Then I take a moment to imagine that dress fitted to the fullness of a woman’s body, its peaks and valleys, soft yet firm.

Photo

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 13:01:34 -0500